WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand-final day and big horse races.
Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's
liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too
bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has
more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its
mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep
the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners, off season carni-folk, and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state
of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re use country bank vaults
and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide
sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim
to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the
men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last
state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the
government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, cattle
stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty
kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere
on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national
culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way
And there's Queensland. … While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that
God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the
next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a complete mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
lust for international recognition.
Not that we're whinging, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem ..
(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the
world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL,
roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the
tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in
the known universe. And our national dress code is short shorts, thongs,
and the good old t-shirt!
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little
people, at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian