Today’s article is a review of the movie ‘Old’ which, somewhat ironically, has just been released.

In particular, I wanted to highlight the racial stereotyping which is just so prevalent and insidious in all of our mass entertainment and culture these days.

There was a time, of course, when Red Indians were invariably portrayed as murdering savages and black people only seemed to play bell hops or hotel porters.

Today, things seem to have turned around 180 degrees and I thought it might be a good idea to unpack this stereotyping which is so prevalent these days.

If people like it, I may do more.

‘Old’ is a kind of science fantasy thriller about a group of people trapped on a beach.

This was no ordinary beach, however. The beach makes people age by several years for every hour that passes.

To be honest, it wasn’t a bad movie, though the dialogue was a little cringy in parts and the ‘woke’ stereotyping annoyed me.

Having said that, it was probably no worse than just about every other movie made since at least the turn of the century.

The movie begins innocuously enough with a family of four, Mum, Dad and two kids – a boy and a girl who are around the 6 to 8yr old range. Mum and Dad are white and have different, but rather nondescript, European accents.

The kids have American accents suggesting they grew up in America. The island is tropical and idyllic, it could be near Hawaii or in the Caribbean, we are not told. The holiday was found online and seems too good to be true. As we find out later, it was.

First family (as I’ll call them) are welcomed to the resort by a red headed white man with another indistinguishable European accent. He introduces them to an attractive white girl who serves them drinks as they step off the bus (she is also one of the evil ones).

First Dad turns out to be an actuarist, which is the single most boring occupation on the planet (apologies to those who are fascinated by statistics and insurance – both of you). His idea of good parenting is to warn the kids that there is a 64.7% chance of hurting themselves when playing chase round a coffee table.

Mum is having an affair with someone rather more romantic. She also has a tumour which seems only slightly less concerning than being married to an actuarist. It turns out later that Dad knows about the affair, but mum doesn’t know that he knows.

He hasn’t said anything because he is too cowardly.

The son, who is around 6 years old pals up with the nephew of the resort manager. Unlike his uncle, however, the nephew is clearly Latino with a strong Spanish accent to boot.

First son likes asking everyone their name and occupation. The black gentleman on the sunlounger with the attractive white girl is, of course, a police officer.

We don’t know where the Latino kid’s parents are, but he is a real smartie pants. He has figured out his white uncle’s evil schemes and gives his new friend a note written in secret code explaining how to foil them.

Meanwhile, down on the beach, a young couple are enjoying the sunset. The man is black, handsome, rich, famous, large and muscular. The girl is a stunning white blonde girl who is stripping off her bikini whilst walking into the sea.

As she does so, she casually looks over her shoulder at her dark friend, bats her eyelashes and gives him one of those smouldering CFM looks (C stands for come and M stands for Me, figure the rest out yourself).

Back at the resort, First Mum and First Dad are having arguments for no particular reason and the kids are hating it.

Next morning, they are invited to go to a special, awesome sounding, private beach by the creepy resort manager and they accept.

First Family are dropped down there by a minibus with a dark-skinned driver who tells them to walk down the path to the beach. Joining them is another family and a couple.

The second family consists of mum, who is a white, blonde, narcissistic bimbo, and her elderly mother. Her husband is an arrogant English brain surgeon, and they also have a young daughter with them.

Shallow Bimbo mum is constantly lecturing her daughter on how to look good so she can snare a rich husband.

She also lets on that she had an ethnic boyfriend previously who wasn’t as rich or good looking, as the English surgeon, but much nicer. She misses him.

The other couple consists of an Asian guy who is a nurse and his black girlfriend who is some kind of therapist who has epilepsy.

Black Therapist girlfriend had a fit at the resort but doesn’t have a fit all day on the beach. Asian Nurse Boyfriend is clearly devoted to her.

When they run into trouble on the beach, Black Girlfriend attempts to assume a leadership role and organise everyone.

When English Surgeon Dad tries to shut someone down, she tells him not to dismiss their ‘lived experience’ (she actually says that – or something very similar).

Down on the beach they find the black dude, who First Daughter recognises as a famous rapper. Unfortunately for the rapper, he is having constant nose bleeds and seems vulnerable and nervous.

Shortly afterwards, his girlfriend washes up dead and Surgeon Dad starts accusing the rapper of killing her.

Poor old Rapper Dude is freaked out and keeps protesting his innocence while English Surgeon Dad is having none of it.

Soon, however, things start to get real hectic as Bimbo Mum’s mother passes away and so does the dog, both victims of the rapid ageing. Then, the kids come back from play and they have aged about 5 years.

By this stage, they are all starting to freak out as they find that they can’t get back up the passage through the cliffs that they came in through.

Asian Nurse turns out to also be an Olympic swimmer and heroically tries to swim out to get help but dies in the effort.

First son is left alone with Bimbo Mum’s daughter in a little tent they have built and having just reached puberty 5 minutes earlier, he gets her pregnant whilst everyone is worrying what to do with Grandma.

15 minutes later, she gives birth, but the baby dies.

By now, Bimbo mum is freaking out because her looks are disappearing faster than Tim Tams at a weight watchers Christmas party and Surgeon Dad is getting dementia and is entering a state of dire confuddlement.

In this confused state, all of his prejudices begin spewing out and he begins insisting that the Rapper is going to follow him home and steal his stuff.

The poor 6’7”, 150kg, muscular black rapper is terrified by Surgeon Dad, and not without good reason.

Before you can say, ‘cultural appropriation’ Surgeon Dad jumps the poor terrified Rapper and brutally stabs him to death with a tiny penknife (as English surgeons frequently do).

One by one, they all die of old age except the second family’s daughter who falls off the rock face trying to climb out.

First Son and First Daughter are left and figure out (thanks to the encoded note by 6yr old Latino Nephew) that they can swim out through the reef.

The dark-skinned minivan driver who has been watching and photographing them all this time thinks they have drowned and reports back to the creepy resort manager who is actually an evil scientist working for a giant drug corporation.

The evil drug corporation is using the fast-ageing beach to fast-track drug tests. The people were selected because they had diseases which the drug company had an experimental drug for.

The victims are given the experimental drugs spiked into their drinks by the attractive white waitress. One day on the beach then gives the drug company a lifetime’s long term results.

The drug company has a team of these researchers working in a secret room at the resort.

At the end of the day, with everyone apparently dead, the researchers have a moment’s silence for the poor victims they have just murdered but are jubilant that the epilepsy medicine they gave to Black Therapist Girl worked all day.

This will save lives, they are assured, although profit motive is likely hovering in the background somewhere.

The research team aren’t all white, but the main players are.

Unfortunately for Evil White Uncle’s dastardly plan, First Boy and First Girl have escaped back to the resort and tip off Black Cop who calls in the cavalry and shuts the whole thing down.

Then, they all live happily ever after.

A Space Alien’s Impressions of Racial Difference

Imagine if an alien got a copy of this movie and took it back to his/her/its planet in order to analyse the different racial characteristics of humankind. What would they make of us all?

Let’s start with white women. Judging by the ones in this movie, white women are obsessed with their looks and have the morals of alley cats on heat. Whilst they will bonk just about anyone, they clearly have a preference for black men.

This is not surprising because white men are utterly boring, except when they are acting like psychopathic murderous racists. The only reason white women tolerate them is for their money.

Asian men are caring and athletic and have a preference for black women, who they adore and care for.

Black women are sassy natural leaders who selflessly stand up for oppressed minorities against evil white men.

Black men are handsome, honest, dependable and attractive but terrified of white men who will stab them to death at the drop of a hat, just because they are black.

The only non-white bad guy in the movie (other than the minor bit players in the research team) was the minibus driver, but he was simply a lackey of the creepy white uncle who ran the resort when he wasn’t murdering tourists for giant medical corporations and their (presumably white) shareholders.

Latinos appear to be at genius level by 6 years old but are generally oppressed by white family members.

The only white person in the film to come out with a shred of dignity was the first family’s 8 year old daughter.

She managed to get through the day without maligning anyone, screwing anyone or killing anyone.

Whether this was a sop from the script writers, or whether they just ran out of clichés is anyone’s guess.

Admittedly, this analysis would be a bit of a long bow to draw if this movie was a one of a kind but sadly it isn’t.

These sort of racial stereotypes persist these days throughout much of what passes for entertainment.

Sometimes, it just sticks in my craw, and I think it’s about time people started noticing and pushing back against this Anglophobic worldview.

SUGGESTED ARTICLES